Toolkit for Women’s Success: Do Women Lie When They Act Perfect?

By Kathy Korman Frey

A post by Athena Vongalis-Macrow and Andrea Gallant on the blog of Harvard Business School Publishing is entitled: Stop Stereotyping Female Leaders.  The myth of the “superwoman” is discussed, and how this myth continues to be perpetuated by women themselves.  This is sad not only because women feel pressure to appear or be perfect, but also because this is what we are teaching the next generation. Expectations are killing women across this great nation of ours…both expectations of ourselves, and those from others whether actual or perceived.

Expectations are killing women across this great nation of ours.

Many articles and books have been written on this topic, such as Michele Woodward’s “I am Not Superwoman” and  Tal Ben-Shahar’s “The Pursuit of Perfect.” But are we listening? And, furthermore, how can we turn that listening into action?

A little story: Between the ages of one and one-half and six, my son had a “posse.” An occupational therapist, a behavior consultant, and various and sundry experts that would come into and out of our lives in between “special” parent-teacher conferences. My son would do everything he could to hold it together at school, and then have outbursts at home which included banging his head on the floor or wall.  It’s shocking, isn’t it? Just imagining a child doing this. There isn’t even a word to describe how it felt to me as a parent.  It turned out that his brain was ahead of his ability to express his feelings. So, well, he freaked out. Today, we have a happy boy on our hands. But I’ll never forget those days.

So, how does this relate to women being authentic leaders? Two things:

Get a Posse

During that time of crisis with our son, we had a “posse.”  This was our group of experts to whom we could turn for advice and counsel. The posse helped.  And my point for women is: Get a posse.  More women are working, more dual income households, more masters degrees than men, more PhDs then men…I mean, hey, we’ve got it going on. But, some things don’t change…like our caregiving responsibilities or fundamental female neurology as brilliantly described in Louann Brizendine’s “The Female Brain.”  Are you not worthy of a posse of experts? We’d do it for our kids. We’d do if we were diagnosed with an illness. So, why not now?  As mentioned at the recent Sisterhood University (#sisUdc), we all need a personal board of advisors. The problems will come and go. The questions. The challenges. Even the celebrations. But the personal board of advisors – the “posse” – remains.

Develop a Vocabulary of Honesty

This is not for everyone…but the strong ones of us must continue to develop a “vocabulary” of honesty around our challenges.  Back to the example of my son’s time of crisis: One particularly gifted behavior consultant had a knack for tapping into smart and sensitive children.  She encouraged us to increase our “feelings” vocabulary around the house.  For instance, when I would say, “Mommy feels frustrated,” my son now had a word to place on his own feelings. It was calming. It was re-affirming. What started off sounding kind of corny to me actually healed us as a family. In addition to running our house in an incredibly structured manner, this single piece of advice worked.  Thus, women need to increase and model the right vocabulary in this strange new world which feels like a kind of “life moon bounce.”  But how?

Thus, women need to increase and model the right vocabulary in this strange new world which feels like a kind of “life moon bounce.”  But how?

I recommend the following: 1/3 Challenge, 2/3 Solution

• 1/3 challenge – Talk about the challenge. Make it real. Validate your concerns, or those of your “posse” members.
• 2/3 solution – Then, talk about how you solved it, or how you think about it, or – perhaps you’re still struggling with it and you’ve just decided to be in transition. The latter two thirds of the conversation should be about actions, and perspectives that help.

Women: This is your chance to act as teachers and mentors.

Women, please take the time to do the hard work and the thinking on this. Be willing to communicate your experiences to other women and the next generation. Why do you think I’m putting all this stuff out there about my son…a deeply personal topic? To help, that’s why. And women, if someone asks you “Why do you seem so perfect?” Stop. Think. Remember: This is a time to perpetuate a myth, or join a member of someone’s “posse” as an expert who models the right behavior.

Related links:

Nominate a dynamic woman you know (18 or over) to share her story as a role model and mentor with Hot Mommas Project.org. Winners are published in a leading Prentice Hall textbook.

Sisterhood University alert list (add yourself to mail list by clicking appropriate “ticket” on EventBrite).

Subscribe to this blog via email, soon, you’ll see in a Part II to Sisterhood University with lots of inside scoop.